A Mother’s Journey to Find Refuge in God

Read Psalm 11 here or listen here:  

God, where are you? Why did you allow this to happen? I don’t feel your presence, God! 

Our son is in the NICU. I lay in a hospital bed after giving birth seven weeks early. 

Moments earlier, my husband and I looked on helplessly as nurses whisked him away.  

Soon, tubes and wires obstruct his tiny face. They plug into medical equipment. The beeps, the blinks, the red lights, and the squiggly lines soon overwhelm. He is on a ventilator to breathe. I can not even hold him. 

Our precious little boy is fighting for his life. I try to come to grips with what I just experienced. Our daughter, born 18 months earlier, was born on time with no problems. So why had our son come so unexpectedly ahead of time?  

Why, God?

Doctors order test after test on our fragile boy. His little body is bruised from all the poking and prodding. I can not even be with him to soothe and clasp his tiny hand. How frightening, how jarring to the little guy that just a day before was so peaceful in the womb.

A little detached from reality, I ask my doctor when I can go home and if my baby can go with me. 

I go home alone a day later.

Our routine quickly becomes arranging care for our daughter and daily trips to the hospital, while I do my best to continue to supply milk so he has the absolute best nutrients. 

I try to lean on my faith, but often I can only muster the strength to ask, Why, God?

As I pour my heart out to God with those two words, I realize that God is my refuge. He shows me that instead of questioning him, he wants me to come to him for comfort and consolation. I need to trust him and rest in his arms. Just as the first verse of Psalm 11 says: In the Lord I take refuge. In him I find refuge from my overpowering thoughts.

By God’s grace and because of a terrific medical team, our son gained strength and weight. He came home 40 days after birth. In fact, we celebrated his 40th birthday earlier this year!

Act: Memorize this short verse, ‘In the Lord I take refuge.’ Have it in your memory to recall when you need a place of consolation and comfort.

Ask: God, when I run to you to ask Why, help me realize that I am right where I need to be. I am right in your arms. Help me lay down my Why and rest in the refuge you offer.